Just recently I have been hired by Tuesday Morning. They asked me at the interview if they could do a background check on me.. I said.. "YEAH! Sure!". I knew there wasn't anything that could persuade them not to hire me. Well... So far they haven't been able to even get to the background check.... They have been having trouble matching up my name and my identity numbers. They have resubmitted it 3 times already and has come back the same everytime. None hireable. Because the numbers don't match with my name.
Almost every other day in the past 2 weeks I have been calling them to see if there was any more news. (Every time getting my hope up that it was all working out ok).... and everytime being turned down "no we don't know yet" or "No they don't match again".
So last week to make things better or worse I got a call from another place to work. They want to hire me and today is they day where I tell them yes or no.
So I called tuesday moring again.... getting my hope up... reasuring myself that there is noooo reason why they wouldn't want to hire me... and they say.. "No the numbers don't match, we need to call corporate and we won't hear from them till this week friday".
I AM SOOOO FRUSTRATED!!! I have done my own background check on myself matching my name with my numbers and it all checks out! I double checked the numbers and even filled out a whole new application for them (double checking everything).
Why must there be such a hassle? Why couldn't everything just work out smoothly like everyone elses?
So after the call today I needed to write things down cause I felt sooo horrible like my heart was drowning... losing hope is hard... lol.
So here is what I wrote. :-)
Don't let me sink
Through these changes and uncertainties
God please hold my heart up don’t let it sink
When everything tells me to lose hope
God, please hold my heart up don’t let it sink
I just want to give up right now
Give up and let my heart drop another time
God please hold my heart up don’t let it sink
When I feel so frustrated and start to drown in tears
God, please hold my heart up and never let it sink
Never let my heart get so low
That I feel like I’m drowning
You’ll never let me drown
Never
God please hold my heart up high
So I can breathe your new breath into me
So I can feel this wonderful purity
God, please hold my heart up and never let it sink
I’ve gotten to a moment where I felt my heart drop
Once again
It’s been let go. I let it go. But Got you keep holding
On..
You don’t need me but you keep me here. Using me.
You keep holding my heart up and you never let it sink
My identity has been shaken
This body doesn’t stand on firm ground anymore
I’m dangling in mid-air
God, please hold me up and never let me sink
I hate the pain of free falling I hate thinking about it.
But You will keep holding on.
God you’ll never let me drop never let me sink.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
When I say, "I am a Christian,"
My Secret Sister from my church sent me this poem to cheer me up this week. :-) It really touched me.
When I say, "I am a Christian,"
By Carol Wimmer
When I say, "I am a Christian,"
I'm not shouting, "I've been saved!"
I'm whispering, "I get lost!
That's why I chose this way"
When I say, "I am a Christian,"
I don't speak with human pride,
I'm confessing that I stumble--
Needing God to be my guide
When I say "I am a Christian,"
I'm not trying to be strong,
I'm professing tha tI'm weak
And pray for strength to carry on
When I say, "I am a Christian,"
I'm not bragging of success,
I'm admitting that I've failed
And cannot every pay the debt
When I say, "I am a Christian,"
I don't think I know it all
I submit to my confusion,
Asking humbly to be taught
When I say, "I am a Christian,"
I'm not claiming to be perfect
My flaws are far too visible,
But God believes I'm worth it.
When I say, "I'm a Christian,"
I still feeling the sting of pain,
I have my share of heartache,
Which is why I seek His name.
When I say, "I am a Christian,"
I do not wish to judge.
I have no authority
I only know I'm loved.
When I say, "I am a Christian,"
By Carol Wimmer
When I say, "I am a Christian,"
I'm not shouting, "I've been saved!"
I'm whispering, "I get lost!
That's why I chose this way"
When I say, "I am a Christian,"
I don't speak with human pride,
I'm confessing that I stumble--
Needing God to be my guide
When I say "I am a Christian,"
I'm not trying to be strong,
I'm professing tha tI'm weak
And pray for strength to carry on
When I say, "I am a Christian,"
I'm not bragging of success,
I'm admitting that I've failed
And cannot every pay the debt
When I say, "I am a Christian,"
I don't think I know it all
I submit to my confusion,
Asking humbly to be taught
When I say, "I am a Christian,"
I'm not claiming to be perfect
My flaws are far too visible,
But God believes I'm worth it.
When I say, "I'm a Christian,"
I still feeling the sting of pain,
I have my share of heartache,
Which is why I seek His name.
When I say, "I am a Christian,"
I do not wish to judge.
I have no authority
I only know I'm loved.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
I serve God
2 Corinthians 6:6-10 (New Living Translation)
6 We have proved ourselves by our purity, our understanding, our patience, our kindness, by the Holy Spirit within us, and by our sincere love. 7 We faithfully preach the truth. God’s power is working in us. We use the weapons of righteousness in the right hand for attack and the left hand for defense. 8 We serve God whether people honor us or despise us, whether they slander us or praise us. We are honest, but they call us impostors. 9 We are ignored, even though we are well known. We live close to death, but we are still alive. We have been beaten, but we have not been killed. 10 Our hearts ache, but we always have joy. We are poor, but we give spiritual riches to others. We own nothing, and yet we have everything.
This makes me wonder. Have I proven myself by my purity? By my understanding? By my patience, my kindness, by the Holy Spirit within me, and by my sincere love?
From what I feel now. No I have not. Have I remembered to use the weapons of righteousness (Ephesions 6:13-17)?
How much have I given trials to God? How often have I given God the glory in the midst of them? How much did I pursue Him? Can I pursue Him more?
I make this vow:
I serve God
Not myself
I serve God
Not others
I SERVE GOD
As a Christian:
I will be ignored even though I am well known. I live close to death, but I'm still alive. I have been beaten, but I'm still breathing. My HEART ACHES, but I will always have God's joy. I am poor, but I have plenty of spiritual gifts to share with others. I no longer own anything, yet I gain everything.
This selfishness in my life I pray will forever leave me. This "God", I pray will forever come envelope me. Sanctify me oh God.
Erase my ways and put yours in its place.
6 We have proved ourselves by our purity, our understanding, our patience, our kindness, by the Holy Spirit within us, and by our sincere love. 7 We faithfully preach the truth. God’s power is working in us. We use the weapons of righteousness in the right hand for attack and the left hand for defense. 8 We serve God whether people honor us or despise us, whether they slander us or praise us. We are honest, but they call us impostors. 9 We are ignored, even though we are well known. We live close to death, but we are still alive. We have been beaten, but we have not been killed. 10 Our hearts ache, but we always have joy. We are poor, but we give spiritual riches to others. We own nothing, and yet we have everything.
This makes me wonder. Have I proven myself by my purity? By my understanding? By my patience, my kindness, by the Holy Spirit within me, and by my sincere love?
From what I feel now. No I have not. Have I remembered to use the weapons of righteousness (Ephesions 6:13-17)?
How much have I given trials to God? How often have I given God the glory in the midst of them? How much did I pursue Him? Can I pursue Him more?
I make this vow:
I serve God
Not myself
I serve God
Not others
I SERVE GOD
As a Christian:
I will be ignored even though I am well known. I live close to death, but I'm still alive. I have been beaten, but I'm still breathing. My HEART ACHES, but I will always have God's joy. I am poor, but I have plenty of spiritual gifts to share with others. I no longer own anything, yet I gain everything.
This selfishness in my life I pray will forever leave me. This "God", I pray will forever come envelope me. Sanctify me oh God.
Erase my ways and put yours in its place.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
The guys with the masks
I think I've had something similar to this dream for the past couple of nights. I haven't slept very well either. It must mean something. But possibly not.
The environment of the dream: We were inside this weird building. The whole building was HUGE in width and their were two story high walls. It was like a mall with no roof and we were inside. There were several doors. The second story had a fence around it. Just imagine you were in the biggest clearing of the mall with no venders except the clearing was as big as the mall itself.. On tiled flooring. You look up.. there is no roof. I didn’t see an escalator. But you could see the second story from the inside with a fence by the walk place so people can’t fall from that story.
I was a guy trying to protect this girl. These guys in white masks and black suits where trying really hard to capture her and block her in a white cone looking thing. Like a styrophome cup. When I finally got her free the guys would go back somehow on the roof (on the top of the walls) and they would pace around on the walls waiting for the right time to try and capture us again. Then at a moment they would come, jump down behind her and grab her. She would struggle as hard as she could but their weight and strength were too much for her. They would bring her to a vehicle… I don’t think it was a car.. it was either a tank or a boat with a hatch. The dream shifted and I was no longer the man trying to protect her, but an onlooker. I could see him on the boat/tank with the girl about to sneak up on the guy with the mask. He is about to pounce on the guy with the mask but then this man seas that he will get captured so he noticed the dirt or weeds that he had been puzzled about the whole time he was trying to save her. They look like a rare kind of weed. And every time the guy was on the tank/boat trying to save her he would wonder about the weeds.
So now the guy/rescuer notices that there is a guy behind him and he starts struggling with a guy in the white mask who sneaked behind him to capture him. He now notices the white cups coming to entrap them (him and the girl on top of the tank/boat) so they can’t get away. The guy remembers the weeds in the place they are trying to put him and he happens to kick some off the tank/boat so the good people (kinda like crime investigators) trying to find them will notice the weeds and be able to test them and see where they are from and be able to find them. Cause the weeds/dirt in the tank/boat are the same as the place where the guys in the masks are taking them. Then they are completely captured by the cups. Now they both feel desolate and alone.
I know this dream means something... and now I am trying to ask God to interpret it to me. I just thought I would share this..
The environment of the dream: We were inside this weird building. The whole building was HUGE in width and their were two story high walls. It was like a mall with no roof and we were inside. There were several doors. The second story had a fence around it. Just imagine you were in the biggest clearing of the mall with no venders except the clearing was as big as the mall itself.. On tiled flooring. You look up.. there is no roof. I didn’t see an escalator. But you could see the second story from the inside with a fence by the walk place so people can’t fall from that story.
I was a guy trying to protect this girl. These guys in white masks and black suits where trying really hard to capture her and block her in a white cone looking thing. Like a styrophome cup. When I finally got her free the guys would go back somehow on the roof (on the top of the walls) and they would pace around on the walls waiting for the right time to try and capture us again. Then at a moment they would come, jump down behind her and grab her. She would struggle as hard as she could but their weight and strength were too much for her. They would bring her to a vehicle… I don’t think it was a car.. it was either a tank or a boat with a hatch. The dream shifted and I was no longer the man trying to protect her, but an onlooker. I could see him on the boat/tank with the girl about to sneak up on the guy with the mask. He is about to pounce on the guy with the mask but then this man seas that he will get captured so he noticed the dirt or weeds that he had been puzzled about the whole time he was trying to save her. They look like a rare kind of weed. And every time the guy was on the tank/boat trying to save her he would wonder about the weeds.
So now the guy/rescuer notices that there is a guy behind him and he starts struggling with a guy in the white mask who sneaked behind him to capture him. He now notices the white cups coming to entrap them (him and the girl on top of the tank/boat) so they can’t get away. The guy remembers the weeds in the place they are trying to put him and he happens to kick some off the tank/boat so the good people (kinda like crime investigators) trying to find them will notice the weeds and be able to test them and see where they are from and be able to find them. Cause the weeds/dirt in the tank/boat are the same as the place where the guys in the masks are taking them. Then they are completely captured by the cups. Now they both feel desolate and alone.
I know this dream means something... and now I am trying to ask God to interpret it to me. I just thought I would share this..
Monday, June 15, 2009
Prayer? ~ What do we pray? When do we pray? Does God ever listen?
Is there ever a point when we don’t need to pray about something?
Philippians 4:6
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for what he has done. If you do this you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
1 Peter 5:7
Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about what happens to you.
Isaiah 26:3
You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, whose thoughts are fixed on you!
Philippians 4:6 is a wonderful verse. Wouldn't it be wonderful to give God all our thoughts, all our worries, and all our needs? This verse clearly states that when we do give (tell) him all our thoughts, worries, and needs, we will experience a peace that is "More wonderful than the human mind can understand". A piece of heaven's peace.
How should we pray in front of people?
Sometimes I feel the pressure to pray a marvelous prayer to God… to show other people that I am a Christian.. that I read my Bible everyday and that I earnestly search for him all the time. This is not entirely true. It is REALLY hard for me to sit down and read the Bible… or spend some quiet time with him. I have found that God only searches for the heart of the person praying. He cares about what is being said aloud but also takes into consideration the heart of the person praying. Who is the ultimate person we are praying to? WHO is it that we are carrying the conversation with? It’s not with the other people around us… it is only with the one and only true God. We are praying for other people yes… but we do not need to show a mighty prayer to be healed. Only what God wants us to pray is sufficient. We don’t heal the person hurting with our marvelous words… God does.
Don’t be a hypocrite and pray only publicly so everyone can see them praying, cause that is all the award they are ever going to get (Matt 6:5)
When you do pray, go away by yourself, shut the door behind you, and pray to your Father secretly. Then your Father, who knows all secrets, will reward you (Matt 6:6)
When you pray don’t babble on an on as people of other religions do. They think their prayers are answered only by repeating their words again and again. Don’t be like them, because your Father knows exactly what you need even before you ask him! (Matt 6:7-8)
Doesn't this verse contradict the other verses about the persisten widow (Luke 18:1-8)?
In Luke 18 it says that God will give justice to his chosen people. We will have no idea what His justice will look like. But, if God always knows exactly what we need... why pray?
As I have said before its the heart God looks after. God has opened a way for us to communicate with him. He is always listening. How do I know? When I went to Cloud 9 (A Vineyard youth retreat), I had this impression put on me that I need to know more of God, specifically through his many names. So I bought a book at the Family Christian stores and I went partially through a book called "Praying the Names of God". This is the second name in the book. The time when this name is used is when Hagar is lonely in the desert because Sarai has become harsh towards her. The story is in Genesis 16. Hagar is noticed by God and told by him to go back. That he will make her son a growing nation of thousands. Hagar then used his name.......El Roi: You are the God who Sees me. God noticed her when no one else wanted or was able to. He turned her from her destitutness and told her to 360; to turn around and go back. God is always watching and cares.
We should be greatful God lets us communicate with Him. We are but a speck of dust yet he cares greatly and deeply for us.
Why do I say communicate? Well.. We aren't just talking to God are we? Since God is always watching we can communicate our love for Him by the way we act in the world. God doesn't always talk to us... does he? No. I have had strange feelings come over me... or some people have had someone in their thoughts and know God wants them to be prayed for.
"He is watching you, I know because I asked Him to."
Philippians 4:6
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for what he has done. If you do this you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
1 Peter 5:7
Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about what happens to you.
Isaiah 26:3
You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, whose thoughts are fixed on you!
Philippians 4:6 is a wonderful verse. Wouldn't it be wonderful to give God all our thoughts, all our worries, and all our needs? This verse clearly states that when we do give (tell) him all our thoughts, worries, and needs, we will experience a peace that is "More wonderful than the human mind can understand". A piece of heaven's peace.
How should we pray in front of people?
Sometimes I feel the pressure to pray a marvelous prayer to God… to show other people that I am a Christian.. that I read my Bible everyday and that I earnestly search for him all the time. This is not entirely true. It is REALLY hard for me to sit down and read the Bible… or spend some quiet time with him. I have found that God only searches for the heart of the person praying. He cares about what is being said aloud but also takes into consideration the heart of the person praying. Who is the ultimate person we are praying to? WHO is it that we are carrying the conversation with? It’s not with the other people around us… it is only with the one and only true God. We are praying for other people yes… but we do not need to show a mighty prayer to be healed. Only what God wants us to pray is sufficient. We don’t heal the person hurting with our marvelous words… God does.
Don’t be a hypocrite and pray only publicly so everyone can see them praying, cause that is all the award they are ever going to get (Matt 6:5)
When you do pray, go away by yourself, shut the door behind you, and pray to your Father secretly. Then your Father, who knows all secrets, will reward you (Matt 6:6)
When you pray don’t babble on an on as people of other religions do. They think their prayers are answered only by repeating their words again and again. Don’t be like them, because your Father knows exactly what you need even before you ask him! (Matt 6:7-8)
Doesn't this verse contradict the other verses about the persisten widow (Luke 18:1-8)?
In Luke 18 it says that God will give justice to his chosen people. We will have no idea what His justice will look like. But, if God always knows exactly what we need... why pray?
As I have said before its the heart God looks after. God has opened a way for us to communicate with him. He is always listening. How do I know? When I went to Cloud 9 (A Vineyard youth retreat), I had this impression put on me that I need to know more of God, specifically through his many names. So I bought a book at the Family Christian stores and I went partially through a book called "Praying the Names of God". This is the second name in the book. The time when this name is used is when Hagar is lonely in the desert because Sarai has become harsh towards her. The story is in Genesis 16. Hagar is noticed by God and told by him to go back. That he will make her son a growing nation of thousands. Hagar then used his name.......El Roi: You are the God who Sees me. God noticed her when no one else wanted or was able to. He turned her from her destitutness and told her to 360; to turn around and go back. God is always watching and cares.
We should be greatful God lets us communicate with Him. We are but a speck of dust yet he cares greatly and deeply for us.
Why do I say communicate? Well.. We aren't just talking to God are we? Since God is always watching we can communicate our love for Him by the way we act in the world. God doesn't always talk to us... does he? No. I have had strange feelings come over me... or some people have had someone in their thoughts and know God wants them to be prayed for.
"He is watching you, I know because I asked Him to."
Friday, June 12, 2009
Replace All things with Jesus
Half-heartedly I do imitate God.
Half-heartedly have I trusted Him.
Indifferent is what I have become.
Indifference I? God please change me.
I need desire to come overwhelm me
I want persistence to envelope me and never change
I need Your verses to make me stronger
Distortion of God in my life? Stay far away.
Over-heartedly I do imitate others
Over-heartedly have I given them
My thoughts and fears and worries
Anxious I? Stronger I shall become.
Replace the world with Jesus
Overwhelm the brain with His words
So when we face confusion
God’s love will speak stronger
and won’t be left unheard
Substitute those worries with prayers
Regain a Joyous, peaceful composer
Gain trust when the toughest gets harder
Gain love when your haters come closer
Clarity can never be acquired
It is always too hard to grasp
Trust in God is what we should long for
Our trust in Him is what we should have
Half-heartedly have I trusted Him.
Indifferent is what I have become.
Indifference I? God please change me.
I need desire to come overwhelm me
I want persistence to envelope me and never change
I need Your verses to make me stronger
Distortion of God in my life? Stay far away.
Over-heartedly I do imitate others
Over-heartedly have I given them
My thoughts and fears and worries
Anxious I? Stronger I shall become.
Replace the world with Jesus
Overwhelm the brain with His words
So when we face confusion
God’s love will speak stronger
and won’t be left unheard
Substitute those worries with prayers
Regain a Joyous, peaceful composer
Gain trust when the toughest gets harder
Gain love when your haters come closer
Clarity can never be acquired
It is always too hard to grasp
Trust in God is what we should long for
Our trust in Him is what we should have
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Confusing Trust
I am greatly confused
my mind feels so abused.
What is this great fight,
over my mind's plight?
One thought says yes
One thought says no,
another thought says maybe
the other one says I don't think so
God why can't you give me a clue?
This clue I will so longingly pursue!
I want to skip the hard rotten times
I just want to hear those joyful chimes!
I have heard from godly men
that you will guide us
because we have asked you
to be inside us.
but this must be a myth
becuase I am still waiting on you
God why can't you give me a clue?
This clue I will so longingly pursue!
I want to skip the hard rotten times
I just want to hear those joyful chimes!
This I have learned from many days
of me waiting on you to act
it's not only you that does stuff...
it's me that should learn how to react
to these seperate thoughts that keep coming my way
to these several things that have lead me astray
the only way I can learn this
is by watching for things that bewareingly are amiss
these things should not be in my brain
so my authentic beauty can no longer be stained
God, trust is the treasure I need now
not clarity, not fame, not to be proud
Yes trust is the greatest treasure to pursue
this trust will lead me nearer to you
I have longed for clarity for too long
The hard rotten times will forever come
no matter which way I turn or run
the best thing that I can do
is learn discernment, hope, and God's true love
the only way I can learn to do what I've stated
is by praying, listening, reading what God has baited
God, trust is the treasure I need now
not clarity, not fame, not to be proud
Yes trust is the greatest treasure to pursue
this trust will lead me nearer to you
These are not myths but words of truth
don't yearn for clarity
yearn for trust, surrender, and wisdom
trust will capture God's heart
clarity will make one depart
God doesn't want things easy
neither does he wants things cheesy
God isn't training a robot for life
He is training a neatly knit together individual
one He created, one he sees through
one he can say with GREAT passion
"I LOVE YOU!"
God, trust is the treasure I need now
not clarity, not fame, not to be proud
Yes trust is the greatest treasure to pursue
this trust will lead me nearer to you
my mind feels so abused.
What is this great fight,
over my mind's plight?
One thought says yes
One thought says no,
another thought says maybe
the other one says I don't think so
God why can't you give me a clue?
This clue I will so longingly pursue!
I want to skip the hard rotten times
I just want to hear those joyful chimes!
I have heard from godly men
that you will guide us
because we have asked you
to be inside us.
but this must be a myth
becuase I am still waiting on you
God why can't you give me a clue?
This clue I will so longingly pursue!
I want to skip the hard rotten times
I just want to hear those joyful chimes!
This I have learned from many days
of me waiting on you to act
it's not only you that does stuff...
it's me that should learn how to react
to these seperate thoughts that keep coming my way
to these several things that have lead me astray
the only way I can learn this
is by watching for things that bewareingly are amiss
these things should not be in my brain
so my authentic beauty can no longer be stained
God, trust is the treasure I need now
not clarity, not fame, not to be proud
Yes trust is the greatest treasure to pursue
this trust will lead me nearer to you
I have longed for clarity for too long
The hard rotten times will forever come
no matter which way I turn or run
the best thing that I can do
is learn discernment, hope, and God's true love
the only way I can learn to do what I've stated
is by praying, listening, reading what God has baited
God, trust is the treasure I need now
not clarity, not fame, not to be proud
Yes trust is the greatest treasure to pursue
this trust will lead me nearer to you
These are not myths but words of truth
don't yearn for clarity
yearn for trust, surrender, and wisdom
trust will capture God's heart
clarity will make one depart
God doesn't want things easy
neither does he wants things cheesy
God isn't training a robot for life
He is training a neatly knit together individual
one He created, one he sees through
one he can say with GREAT passion
"I LOVE YOU!"
God, trust is the treasure I need now
not clarity, not fame, not to be proud
Yes trust is the greatest treasure to pursue
this trust will lead me nearer to you
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